


but she doesn't know who i am

by jaerie



Series: But She Doesn't Know Who I Am Series [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Gender Identity, Louis asks inappropriate questions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 20:52:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11260770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: “Stop following me!” she growled out firmly, squaring her shoulders and pulling herself up to her full height plus the added inches of her heels that made it feel like she was towering above him.And… that wasn’t the voice of a woman.His jaw dropped in shock but he couldn’t tell if his face physically matched that expression or if it was a mental jaw drop.  He hoped the latter but knew at least his eyes had grown wide.  It wasn’t what he had been expecting.Prompt #807: The discomfort of walking on a deserted street at night behind a woman who probably thinks you're stalking her.





	but she doesn't know who i am

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written as part of an ongoing challenge. We each select random numbers and are given a specific emotion from the book 1000 Feelings For Which There Are No Names. To read the other fics written in this challenge, [click here](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/ShortFic_Challenge_For_Which_There_Is_No_Name/works), or you can find the masterpost on tumblr [here](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/159679804243/1000-feelings-for-which-there-are-no-names-prompt).
> 
> Prompt #807: The discomfort of walking on a deserted street at night behind a woman who probably thinks you're stalking her. 
> 
>    
> If gender issues are a sensitive subject, please let this be warning before continuing. I've tried to make it clear that everything written is how Harry feels personally and may not and probably is not the way everyone who may be in a similar situation might feel etc. This is also a work of fiction and rude comments are unnecessary if you don't like how this Harry is portrayed.
> 
> I absolutely adore this Harry and this little piece is very dear to me. I hope others will enjoy it as well. :)  
> The title is from Teenage Dirtbag because I kept thinking about that song from Louis' perspective and it just fit and Harry's voice on that song *ung* made me fall in love with him. That is all.

* * *

 

 

The way the yellow hued street lights illuminate the bricked exterior of buildings and the pavement in the dark of night looks the same no matter where you are in the world.  That’s what Louis was convinced of anyway.  Standing behind this bar after his shift, leaning against the textured wall near the dumpsters and smoking a cigarette, it could just as easily have been back home.  It looked the same.  It even felt the same.  The alleyway had the same deep jagged cracks running down the center, water pooling in the uneven sections of concrete from the light showers earlier in the evening, the slight stench of piss hanging in the air if the breeze kicks it up just right, the sour smell of garbage wafting up and spilling out of the dumpsters.  It was all part of the same scene, just a different location and Louis flawlessly transplanted right into it.

And maybe that was what made his new job and his new life in the big city not as intimidating.  The clientele of this new bar may not be frat boys and drunk college students but they were there for the same thing, the demographic didn’t really change all that much.  He was still sliding drinks across the bar, still cleaning up broken glass, still breaking up drunken fights that broke out after a few too many, still walking around with a damp bar rag slung over his shoulder, still leaving alone after last call when the bar had been cleared.

He had already been working a little over a week and he found that just like the bar, there really wasn’t much of a difference living in a new city many times larger than the one he grew up in.  Other than the square miles that extended the city limits, higher cost of living and maybe a few more people on foot during the day, his neighborhood felt just the same.  The most noticeable change was the increased frequency of emergency sirens firing up around him all the time, especially at night.  It was hard for him to imagine what kind of crisis were happening so consistently but maybe the way they echoed through the taller buildings made each seem closer than it actually was, creating an illusion that everything was happening all at once.  Maybe there were just more false alarms.

He took a drag from his cigarette as the distant sound of a heavy door closing a few buildings down broke the dull hum of the darkness and the buzzing of the outdated fluorescent street light, a familiar sound around closing time along the string of bars on the block as the employees started to trickle home.  The distinct click of high heeled shoes echoing down the alley came closer and became the soundtrack to the end of his cigarette, tossing it into one of the shallow puddles with a hiss just as a tall slender woman made her way past him.  He barely took notice as he leaned over to tuck his apron into his bag, swinging it up over his shoulder for his walk home.  

He turned and followed the rhythmic click-clack of the hard bottomed heels, his mind wandering to a behind the scenes he once saw that demonstrated how the sound department used hollow coconut shells to fill in the effect of trotting horses hooves in movies.  It would probably sound similar if the woman decided to start galloping.  The image of anyone trying to gallop in such ridiculous shoes made him smirk and shake his head, pulling out his phone to check for any new Pokemon that may be lingering in the area.  He really didn’t have much else to do with his time.

Stalking a Charmander that was somewhere close had distracted him enough that he was surprised to look up and see that he apparently already knew his walk home on autopilot.  The front light of his apartment building was visible up ahead in the next block but something else caught his attention.  The woman whose clicking heels he had pushed to the back of his mind was still walking up ahead of him though he knew he had turned onto different streets at least twice to get home.  With no one else on the deserted streets with them, he immediately began to worry that she might think he was stalking her if she had noticed his presence.  He hesitated, debating whether to hang back or hide behind a building until she was further up the street but in the end decided that might look even more suspicious.  The last thing he wanted to do was make her think someone was lurking in the shadows for her.  

His apartment was just ahead anyway.  If she was actually suspicious of him, she would see him unlock the building and disappear inside without incident.  No harm done.  He was probably just being paranoid anyway.  It wasn’t like he had been drawing attention to himself, she probably hadn’t even noticed.  He made his way to the front door, using his code to get into the lobby and carrying his tired feet up the three flights of stairs to his new home.  

 

* * *

 

 

It had been a long shift for Louis.  The top of a beer bottle had snapped off while he attempted to crack off the cap right during the height of the nightly rush.  Not only had he created a mess but had sliced his hand open as well.  It hadn’t been a deep gash, merely superficial but with the sting of the constant contact with alcohol he had through the night drained him more than usual.  A foul mood still clung to him when he finally slipped out after last call.  His boss had taken it easy on him after seeing the blood, letting him be first cut for the night and he was grateful.  

He was halfway home in his own little world of exhaustion when he heard a clatter ahead of him followed by some mumbled cursing.  His eyes came to focus on a woman about a half block from him, the same woman he had seen just a few nights ago on his way home.  It appeared she had dropped her purse, the contents scattering out onto the square segment of sidewalk.  He stared at her in awe as she somehow gracefully bent her knees and squatted down with her thighs together in her pencil skirt that snugly hugged her thighs and showed off her curves, her balance kept effortly on her tall pink stilettos which seemed to be the only accent of colour in her outfit.  He would never understand how anyone could keep their balance standing let alone walk in such dangerous shoes.  Louis would have a broken ankle every other day for sure if those were his regular footwear.  

“Do you need some help?” Louis called, heading towards her.  It caught her attention and she looked up, her long curled lashes and glossy lips still accentuated her features even in the low light and he sucked in a breath at the sight.  Her dark hair was pulled up into a professional looking bun, black chopsticks stuck through the twist to keep it held in place.  She looked very lovely in Louis’ opinion, much too put together for someone at 2am on a weekday.  Louis knew his own fringe had started to sag hours ago, the volume he spent so long perfecting in the mirror before his shift melting with the sweat and humidity of both himself and the patrons of the bar.  It made him want a shower immediately after walking through his apartment door each night.  

But this woman looked like she had just walked out of hair and makeup at a photo shoot.  She was wearing full makeup but it looked amazing, fitting her somehow when he knew on another face it might seem like a bit too much.  He didn’t know all that much about makeup but having a sister at home in school for the very art, he had learned to appreciate those who were able to do it well.  All in all, she was stunning and he couldn’t force himself to look away as he approached.  

He was internally debating whether or not it was appropriate to tell a woman how beautiful she looked in the middle of the night on a deserted street when he noticed her hands were shaky as she hurried to shove the last few things back into her bag.  She gave him a small weak smile and rose to her full height and turned, quickening her pace away from him.  

It it hadn’t been his intention to make her uncomfortable but her path was the same one he needed to take to get home as he had found out the last time they had accidentally walked together.  Sighing to himself he turned the next corner, walking the extra blocks to approach his apartment from the other side.  He watched all the murder shows, he knew how so many of them started out and this was the same scenario he had seen over and over again.  The woman walking home from work was never seen again or found in a mangled mess behind some secluded dumpster.  It felt best to remove himself from the situation to cause as little discomfort as possible.  

An extra 10 minutes later, he had finally made it home, heading to the bathroom to attend too his wound and rinse off the grime of the night.  

 

* * *

 

 

A few nights later and Louis was on trash duty.  He had already taken several heavily loaded trash bags out to heave up into the dumpster and had lifted the final one to carry on his way out for the night.  The door closed with a loud slam behind him and he grunted under the weight on his way to the dumpster yet again.  He was halfway through an unflattering noise and second attempt to get the bag up and over the side when he saw her, the same gorgeous woman coming down the alley.

The bag fell with cringing clank of breaking beer bottles against metal and startled the woman a bit in her even steps, grabbing her attention.  Louis offered her a hi and a wave, smiling in a way he hoped portrayed the “I’m really friendly and not going to kill you” message.

Her hair was down around her shoulders that night, the flowing curl of it bouncing around her head as she quickly looked away from him and quickened her steps.  The blouse she was wearing was unbuttoned down to show off her perfectly rounding cleavage and revealed a glimpse of tattoos that Louis hadn’t expected to see.  The white silk of her shirt made them stand out, her sleeves rolled up to her elbows to also display an array of black ink that was just far enough away to make it easy to decipher specific details of the designs etched into her tanned skin.   

He noticed she had on sneakers this evening with her dress, the strap of her tall heels looped around one finger hanging at her side.  They contrasted against her dressy look but Louis couldn’t blame her for needing some comfort.  He couldn’t fathom walking all the way home every night in such torture traps.  

She disappeared around the corner and he sighed to himself.  He pulled out his pack of cigarettes to light one up.  Might as well waste some time to put some distance between them before he headed home.  Stalker Louis didn’t need to make another appearance tonight.  

 

* * *

 

 

It had been a great night for Louis.  A busy night but one where the good outweighed the bad.  Those types of nights didn’t happen all that often.  A bachelorette party had stumbled in on an impromptu bar crawl and, after latching on to Louis as their preferred barkeep, had stayed until the bouncers had to actually shuffle them out the door like a herd of cattle.  They had been fun drunks, though, not causing any trouble and tipping probably more than they will remember they had in the morning.  A few had even slipped him their numbers scribbled onto bar napkins that he tucked into his pockets for later.  They were too drunk for those decisions tonight but it had been a while for him so he tucked them into his pocket for safekeeping.  If they remembered him sober, it might be worth a fling.  

He had cashed out his tips at nearly $500 made over the night, a pick me up that left his spirits high and bright as he fantasized about all the small splurges he could make since his rent was already paid for the month.  

There was a skip in his step as he bounced out the door, forgoing his end of shift cigarette in favour of taking in the nightly breeze that still held a hint of the day’s warmth.  He pulled out his phone and replied to a buddy back home, surprised when he received a text right back at such a late hour.   

Distracted by the conversation, he nearly walked into traffic at the crosswalk but not before barrelling into a body that was already waiting on the corner for the light to change.  

“Sorry, so sorry,” he rushed out, grabbing the other’s forearm to steady them before backing away with more mumbled apologies.  He looked up to apologize again and there she was, beautiful as always.  Her curls were swept up into some type of clip tonight that accentuated her cheekbones, the happy colours of her eyeshadow conflicting with the angered look she was directing at Louis.  Her lips were pursed and her arms crossed over her body defensively as she backed away.

Louis’ mood immediately dropped.  

“Stop following me!” she growled out firmly, squaring her shoulders and pulling herself up to her full height plus the added inches of her heels that made it feel like she was towering above him. 

And… that wasn’t the voice of a woman.

His jaw dropped in shock but he couldn’t tell if his face physically matched that expression or if it was a mental jaw drop.  He hoped the latter but knew at least his eyes had grown wide.  It wasn’t what he had been expecting.

“I don’t know what your game is but I’m not interested and I have the cops on speed dial if you try to pull anything.” 

It was a lot at once and his brain had come to a screeching stop, gears rusting shut and immobile like the tin man in a rainstorm.  Not a woman.  Stop following her.  Cops on speed dial.  She- or he??- had confirmed what he had feared, what had only so far been coincidences.  Louis had only ever just been walking home.   

By the time his brain had caught up, the light had changed and she was already in the middle of the intersection, speed walking with an accelerated click-clack of her elevated shoes.  The sound was about the closest to a galloping horse as it could get and seemed amplified in night air separating them.

He deflated, turning the opposite direction to take the most indirect route home.  He dragged his feet the entire way.  

 

* * *

 

 

Louis was sitting on the back steps of his apartment building one afternoon with a cigarette, looking out across the small parking lot that held spots for only a fraction of the people living in his building.  It was one reason why he hadn’t brought his car into the city.  Parking was almost as much as rent if he could even find a spot in the first place.  

The air was warm but humid with an approaching storm, not yet the unbearable mugginess that came with the height of summer.  You could never feel quite alone outdoors when the weather was nice, it was hard to even when it wasn’t.  He could hear the happy sounds of children playing in the park not far away and the hum of chatter from the patio section of the cafe on the next block.  It was comforting in a way.  It hugged his own solitude with the illusion that he didn’t have to be alone.

A soft sound of a voice singing to themselves made his eyes focus, flip flops smacking against their feet on their way to throw a kitchen trash bag into the dumpster provided for their complex.  His gaze worked up from their feet, pink flip flops moving to softly tanned smooth legs to decent muscular thighs that were exposed up to the little pink shorts resting on narrow hips.  The threadbare white tshirt resting on their torso left little to the imagination, shadows of tattooed skin and perky nipples making an appearance in the sunlight. 

It was his stalkee.  Well, not really but he didn’t yet know her name.  And they were definitely a she with the natural curve of her breasts.  Her hair was up in a messy bun and she wasn’t wearing any makeup but her skin was still smooth and flawless, the natural angles of her face still made her striking to look at, still caused him to stare.  She might be the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.  She hadn’t yet noticed Louis but he felt like this might be his chance.  It had the chance to go either way but he had to make an attempt to clear himself.  He just hoped it wouldn’t head south.

“I’m not stalking you, you know,” he spoke up once she was close enough to hear. 

“What the fuck!” she exclaimed and jumped, obviously not realizing anyone was so close.  She had raised a hand to her chest in surprise, looking at him with wide eyes.  

“I just live here.  I work at the bar and this is my apartment,” he gestured behind himself, hoping he was coming across as calm and genuine.  Any wrong move would make this look even more suspicious.  He didn’t want her to think he was hanging out where she lived now.  That would make it worse.  “I’m Louis.” 

She still looked at him hesitantly and he could feel her eyes taking in the black beater and gym shorts he had thrown on before heading outside for his first fix this morning.  Or more accurately this afternoon but who’s keeping track?  He could tell she was having an internal debate about whether or not to trust him.  

He moved over on the step to make room for another person and patted the space beside him.  He held up his keys and made a gesture towards the door.  

“You can go try them to see if I’m being legit,” he shrugged, resting them back down beside him as she hesitantly came closer.  She didn’t take a seat but stood with her arms crossed in front of her, a closed off stance.  

“Why are you always following me?” she asked and her speaking voice was higher than the voice she had used on him at the crosswalk.  Maybe he had judged her wrong.  Maybe she just had a deeper voice when she was upset.

“I think we just head home around the same time,” he shrugged a little, taking another drag.  “I close most nights and it seems you leave whatever it is you do about the same time.  And then we both, I guess I assume you live there.” 

He motioned towards the sister building to his just next door, her eyes following his gesture, shifting suspiciously.  He wondered if she was worried that he knew where she lived.  

“Look, we really got off on the wrong foot.  Hi, I’m Louis.  I just moved here about a month ago and I tend bar at Mulligan’s,” he started again, extending a hand towards her.  She looks down at it for a second before reaching out to shake it.  

“I’m Harry.  I work at Moxie & Max.”  Her handshake was firm but brief, crossing her arms over her chest once again.  And that was a different name for a girl, she must have weird parents or maybe it was short for Harriet and…  _ oh.  _

“Is that the drag bar?” he said with a small laugh, exhaling smoke to the side so the breeze wouldn’t blow it back at her (he  _ was _ a gentleman after all).  He had heard about it before, just two doors down from Mulligan’s.  Some of the staff went there on their days off or if their shift ended early.  There had been a lot of stories retold to him.

“It is a cocktail bar and show lounge,” she said, narrowing her eyes and pursing her lips and he realized he must have offended her, realized his mistake of making a joke of it.  “We have drag performances on Thursday and Sunday nights.” 

“No! No, I didn’t mean it like that. My coworkers have been trying to get me to come with them but I always having the closing shift,” he tried to clarify, holding up his hands in surrender.  “Sooo are you…” he makes a vague up and down gesture at her, not sure how to ask exactly but figuring if she worked there, that was probably why she, or he? dressed like a woman.  

“Am I what?” her voice was biting, sharp and a little dark with anger directed at him.  He felt himself cowering under her gaze, narrowed eyes and stance intimidating. 

“Are you a drag queen or something?” he asked.  He felt it was a legitimate question considering where she worked and he wasn’t quite sure where the anger was coming from.  It seemed pretty obvious there was something different about the person in front of him.

“Just because I work at a bar that hosts drag shows doesn’t mean I’m a queen. They are  _ entertainers _ by the way.”  Her stance was still defensive and Louis was confused.  

“I’m sorry.  I guess I just… assumed… I’m sorry, that was wrong of me to make that assumption.”  He hoped he sounded genuine because he was.  Just because he was still trying to understand how he had offended her didn’t mean he didn’t care that he had offended her in the first place.

“You assumed what, Louis?” Her fists moved to rest against her hips in a stance that reminded him of his angry mother. 

“I guess because you’re…” he gestured towards her, hoping she would fill in the word and answer another question for him.

“Because I’m what, Louis?” she asked and he stared back at her, words hanging bitterly in the air between them.  “You know what?” She rolled her eyes and turned to stomp off.  Louis was at a loss for words, wanting to call out for her to wait but also unable to do it.  He watched her go, shame and regret settling deep in the pit of his stomach, dragging him down.  In all the ways he imagined that going, having her think he was a stalker might have turned out better.  

 

* * *

 

 

Louis was lost inside the turmoil of his own head, guilt baring down on him as he tried to figure out a way to apologize to Harry and somehow make it right between them.  He hadn’t meant to offend her but he was still confused.  There were so many things about her that made him curious and the more it seemed he found out, the more he wanted to know.  He wanted to know what had made her so angry. 

He still found her gorgeous, even without all the makeup but then when she spoke… When she spoke he could see hints of masculinity in the set of her shoulders and the details of her face, in the aura that seemed to surround her and drew him in like a magnet.  It didn’t make sense to him.  He was having trouble reconciling the two parts in front of him.  He felt like he could make peace with it if she was a drag queen who just took her performance seriously.  

Was he just a crossdresser?  That didn’t really make sense.  Was he trans?  He thought maybe that was the term he was supposed to use… He wasn’t sure though.  Maybe she was just a woman in general and that was why she had been so offended.  

Louis was a people pleaser and his anxiety had spiked with their interaction.  It was never his intention to offend someone and it didn’t sit well, it wouldn’t until he had made it right.  

After a string of botched orders and half a tray full of glasses broken on the floor, his boss sent him home.  Not without a warning to get his shit together but he couldn’t say that he was upset for the chance to get away from the chaos.  He couldn’t concentrate and knew it would have only become worse as the night progressed.  

It was still early, for the nightlife anyway.  Glancing down at his phone, he saw that it was barely even ten and debated ducking into one of the other bars to have a few drinks to calm himself down before heading home.  Apart from the bit of exploring he had done to find a job, he hadn’t had a chance to go out yet.  He hadn’t found his way into a group of friends yet and he wasn’t usually the type to drink alone, especially out at a bar.  Tonight seemed different and he headed down the sidewalk in search of a dive bar that would allow him to disappear into the walls while he drank his troubles.  

He didn’t make it far before he paused.  A colourful foldout chalkboard was sitting out on the sidewalk announcing that tonight was karaoke night.  It shouldn’t have come as a surprise but it did when he looked up to realize he was standing in front of Moxie & Max, the very place he should probably be avoiding.  The sign said “no cover” and he figured that was as good a sign as any to check it out anyway.  He could always slip out if he was unwelcome.  

The bouncer sitting on a barstool outside checked his ID and waved him in, a burst of sound spilling out as he pulled the door open.  He was pleasantly surprised by what he found inside.  It felt clean and classy, the floors not sticky like they always seemed to be while he was working at his own bar.  The lighting was low and had the potential to be romantic if you were in that kind of mood but bright enough that it didn’t have to be.  There was music and chatter but it was at a volume that would make it easy to have a conversation if your goal was to have a drink and catch up with someone.  All in all, he was quite impressed.  He wasn’t sure what he envisioned for Moxie & Max but this definitely wasn’t it.  

The booths were situated in semi circles around the stage creating tiered rows that reminded him of a dinner theater or comedy club but also sections that lined the walls on each side of the bar for anyone who wanted to sit away from the show.  As he stood taking it all in, the rise of the stage lights brought his attention to the individual now walking across to the center and the music and chatter faded out.  

It was Harry.  

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen and everybody who refuses to conform to gender norms!” the audience laughs around him with a few shouts of agreement ringing out and Harry beams.  Her face lit up the room and dimples!  She had dimples that were deep enough to cast shadows on either side of her mouth in the bright stage lights.  Her aura was even brighter here, completely at ease and comfortable in front of the crowd and Louis felt drawn to her even from across the room.  

“It’s Wednesday night so you know what that means.  Welcome to Moxie & Max karaoke night!  As always, there are song books floating around the room.  Please share!  Get to know your neighbor if you need to.  Bring your selections up to the jar and performers will be chosen at random, as long as it isn’t the same performer twice in a row.  If you know the drill, help out the newbies.  And now, our karaoke dj and your host for the evening, Niall he-wouldn’t-let-me-pick-a-nickname-because-he’s-lame Horan!” the crowd clapped and cheered as Harry handed the mic over to the blonde now joining him on the stage, the whole room thriving on the energy.  

“We’ll get to the drawing but first, I need a brave soul to open the night for us.  Any volunteers?” Niall took over, scanning the crowd for any hands.  

Someone in the crowd yelled out Harry’s name and suddenly the whole room was chanting for her and Louis was floored.  Everyone knew her, Harry was popular and he could tell she was in her element in this environment.  She was halfway down the stairs to the main floor, beaming at the attention from the room.  

“Later!  I’ll go later!” she shouted loud enough to be heard faintly without a mic, the whole crowd cheering again.  

Niall found a volunteer and the karaoke night began with a fairly decent and hilarious rendition of “Wannabe” by Spice Girls.  He ordered a whiskey and coke from the bar and slipped into the first empty booth by the bar.  He could still see most of the stage but felt removed enough from the action to just observe.  

He didn’t realize Moxie & Max would be his kind of place but he was quickly finding that it was.  He felt comfortable here and the buzzing energy was contagious and just what he needed on the kind of night he was having.  

He was halfway through his second drink, eyes focused on the little stirring straw while he chased the melting ice cubes around the glass when a shadow fell over him.  Before he could look up, the shadow was sitting across from him in the form of Harry, hands folded on top of the table with an unreadable yet open expression.  Part of him was ready to run for the door having been caught out, part of him super glued to his seat in pure anxious fear and the rest fighting dirty with the optimism that this was his chance to turn things around.  The last part won and he met Harry’s eyes briefly before nervously returning them to his glass.  

“I’m surprised to see you here,” Harry began, keeping her tone hard to read at first, “I didn’t think this would be your kind of scene.” 

Louis looked up quickly at that, that wasn’t what he felt at all.  

“It’s my first time coming in and I’m actually really enjoying myself,” he said earnestly, searching Harry’s face for any sign he was about to be thrown out.  It didn’t look like that was Harry’s intent so he took a moment to gather his thoughts, glad she hadn’t felt the need to fill the silence.  Taking a deep breath, he goes for it, hoping not to make an ass of himself yet again with what he needed to say.  “And I’m sorry about yesterday.  I’ve just been a bit curious about you since I saw you that first night.  I was a little nervous approaching you since you thought I was a stalker and then there I was again looking like a creeper and I wasn’t very tactful.  I shouldn’t have said anything.”

He watched Harry examine her perfectly manicured light purple polished nails for an endless moment that had springs in his stomach coiling up tightly, ready to unleash their energy upon him at the smallest provocation.  There were so many ways she could react and most of them didn’t look very good for Louis.  She finally let out a small sigh and sat back, meeting Louis’ anxious stare.  

“I’m sorry I thought you were a stalker.  There have just been… others,” she seemed hesitant to elaborate so Louis didn’t push, his hands cold as he gripped his sweating glass in front of him.  “I shouldn’t have assumed about you either.”

“I get it,” he assured her, almost reaching across the table to place his own hand over hers in understanding.  He repressed the urge, clearing his throat, there didn’t seem to be room for him to make another mistake and assume she would welcome his advance. “I actually, um, took the long way around a few times because I was worried you would start to think I really WAS stalking you.”

Something seemed to shift and a small smile crept onto Harry’s face.  Louis hesitantly smiled back, testing the waters.  

“Okay.  But Louis, I need to let you in on this and I’m only doing this because you seem like you might be a nice guy.  Most of the people who come here wouldn’t give you the time of day if you spoke to them like you did to me.  You have to realize how rude your questions and assumptions were.”  Harry’s tone grew more serious and though it could have been taken as a scolding, it didn’t quite sound like one, more like a heart to heart.  Her voice was gentle and kind and usually Louis would snap into defensive mode over feeling cornered like this but something about her reached in and disabled his reaction and held his attention like no one had before.  Maybe only his mother a few times, but this was different.  

“I really didn’t mean to offend you,” he rushed out seriously, wanting to assure Harry that he really hadn’t been trying to be rude.  

“I know.  I can tell you didn’t mean it.  And I could tell yesterday you probably didn’t either.  But it would also be my fault if I didn’t tell you why what you did was rude and a bit inappropriate.  So I told you I worked here and had you said something along the lines of ‘oh I hear they put on great drag shows, do you work as one of the performers?’ I could have answered with ‘no I’m not actually but they really are great!’ But what you did was set it up as something that seemed you were already judging me for, that you had already made up your opinions about me and assumed based on very few details.  That your stereotype was the only job that seemed logical to you for me.  And then you were fishing for me to give you details about my personal life when we only just met.  Not only that but only moments after you implied that you were already judging me and sticking me into a stereotype.  There are a lot of kids out there, not even just kids, there are a lot  _ people  _ out there that already feel uncomfortable in their own skin or in their sexuality.  It’s inappropriate to ask them to give you details about their bodies and lifestyles or define who they are or are not attracted to just so it can make sense to you in your own mind.  It’s selfish to make anyone do that just because you don’t see a person in front of you but rather something that you need to figure out.”  

Her voice stayed even through her entire speech and while Louis felt small sitting across the table from her scolding but also empowered as he saw the beginnings of understanding things through her eyes being laid out before him.  

“I’m comfortable in my own body and in myself so I can walk away unaffected by those types of comments at this point in my life but I also mentor a lot of kids who can’t.  And what may seem simple to you?  That hand gesture you did to me?” he gestured to demonstrate, “Makes them feel singled out, like a freak, like something to be ashamed of because you can’t even use words.  Not that you should be asking in the first place but definitely not like that.  I could tell you didn’t even realize what you were doing so consider this a public service.  Any questions?” 

Harry raised an eyebrow, smiling at him softly like a kindergarten teacher might after explaining the ways of the world to a child who doesn’t yet understand why what they did was wrong.  Louis opened his mouth and was halfway through forming his first word before snapping his mouth shut.  The last thing he needed was to ask yet another inappropriate question after just being schooled on why he should not.  And he understood now, he really did or at least it was coming together.  He had never been in the position to question why that would be inappropriate but now that he was, he felt like a horrible human for not picking up on it sooner.  Harry had been gentle with him when he probably hadn’t deserved it so the very least he could do was keep his mouth shut while he modified his way of thinking.  

Harry rolled her eyes at him in an exaggerated fashion and for a second he thought she was going to file him away as a lost cause.  Instead a grin spread across her face and she actually laughed, shaking her head as she looked down at her hands in her lap.  She looked back up at him and her crooked smile was playful.

“What?” he asked with a frown, brows knitting together in confusion at the sudden change of mood.  

“It’s just your face!  I know you get it now, I can tell.  But I can also tell you’re just dying to ask,” she laughed.  “Okay.  Now that that is out of the way, I’ll make you a deal.  You promise me that you’ll pause and think of someone asking you that same question before you ask it and if you would feel uncomfortable or put off by it, don’t ask it.  That’s a start, right?”  

Louis nodded but knew he would be doing more than just considering someone’s reaction in the future.  It didn’t feel good to be proven ignorant about something so important and it would take more than just that to change how he thought.  

“So now it’s just the two of us talking, not the rest of the world I was just telling you about, okay?  Just you and me.  Partially because I’m used to answering questions with the kids in our safe space and partially because you look like I just killed your puppy and maybe a little because I find you really attractive and want an excuse to talk to you a little bit longer,” she blushed with the last comment as if she shouldn’t have let that part slip out and her bashful expression warmed Louis up.  He thought she was beautiful and even though it was unknown and uncharted territory for him, she wasn’t scaring him away.  The opposite actually, she was reeling him in and opening his eyes.  It felt like the edges of addicting.  

“You can ask me whatever you want.  I’ll tell you if I don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable answering something and you’ll have to accept that as my answer.  Sound good?”

She smiled warmly as Louis nodded, finally raising his drink to his lips, sucking the now watered down liquid into his mouth.  It wasn’t very satisfying.

“What is your actually job here?  Do you need to be working right now?” he started with.  It seemed like neutral territory and the least likely to offend.  

“Wow, you’re really taking advantage of this opportunity here with such a controversial question,” she deadpanned before answering cheerfully.  “I’m the entertainment director for the club.  I book and hire the entertainers and hosts, set up the karaoke and open mic nights, make sure everything will be here when it’s needed and all that,” she shrugged a little like it was no big deal but Louis could tell by her face that she loved it.  Louis couldn’t say that he loved being a bartender but he also knew he was very good at it.  That’s really what kept from branching out.  

“I’m really not obligated to be here all night since I do most of my prep work during the day but I like it here,” she shrugged, “My friends are here and I like meeting new people, like you, so no, I don’t need to be working right now.  Next?” 

She waved a hand to get the attention of one of the bartenders, motioning for him to refresh Louis’ drink with a wink.  

“So why do you still go by Harry?” he asked hesitantly just before two drinks are set in front of them.  Louis’ was the same as he had before and Harry now had a red tinted fizzing drink in front of her, the glass half filled with maraschino cherries.  It seemed to fit her perfectly. 

“Harry is my name,” she said with a shrug, stabbing one of the cherries with the stirring straw before bringing it to her lips.  “Want one?” she asked, stabbing another from her glass.  He could easily picture her like this every night, asking for the usual and spending the next few minutes eating the fruit with her straw fork.  The image made him smile.  

“Didn’t you pick out like… a girl name?” he asked, watching her face for signs that he’d offended her.  Instead she just shrugged, popping another cherry into her mouth.  He couldn’t stop staring at her glossy red lips as she chewed or the way she approached each cherry tongue first, she was a very intriguing person. 

“My mom named me Harry and Harry is who I’ve always been.  I think I’d feel like I was trying to be a different person if I changed it.  That’s just me personally, though.  I like my name.”  She shrugged again and Louis felt encouraged by her open answer, hoping her questioning proposal really meant he could ask her anything.  

“Do I refer to you as a he or as a she?” 

“Whatever you want to refer to me as.  Most people use female pronouns because I think it makes them feel more comfortable?  Or it’s more natural for most people.  I honestly don’t mind either way.  That isn’t a defining part of my identity and I’m not offended with either.  My name is Harry which is a typical boy name so I usually get male pronouns most often on the phone or in emails and then female pronouns most often in person.  But you should check with people you meet individually.  Most people do have a preference.  I’m just a special flower.”  She fluttered her eyelashes at him, “That’s what the people around here tell me anyway.”

“Just to be clear,” he hesitated again, “You’re a guy who wants to be a girl?” 

“Ughhhh,” she let out a noise that sounded like the combination of a groan and an exasperated sigh, “Why is everyone so hyper focused on labels!  The world isn’t black and white so why does everything have to fit into some label or category?”  Louis thought for a moment that he said the wrong thing but she just chuckled and shook her head. 

“I was born male, yes.” She answered simply instead, “But I wouldn’t say I want to be female either.” 

“What does that mean?  You’re dressed like a woman.”  Louis was confused, he thought that’s how it worked.  You were either male or female and if you chose to be the other then there were surgeries and hormones and everything else that went along with it, right? 

“I’m dressed like  _ me _ ,” she corrected him, emphasising the last word by poking the air with her straw. “I love women’s clothes.  Women always get the best fabrics and designs,” she said dreamily, “Silk and sparkles and cashmere… I don’t know, I just wear what I like.  All of this?” She gestured from her hair to her makeup to her clothes, “All of this is for me.  Because I like it and because I want to wear it, because I got up today and  _ wanted  _ to do my makeup and try on a new dress.  I don’t do it because I want people to see me as a woman.  People can see me as whatever they want as long as I’m comfortable with how I look.”

“Wearing fake boobs makes you comfortable?” he asked, just the idea of a bra full of chicken filet looking things made his skin itch.  He had seen the ones his sister wanted his mom to buy for her when she didn’t think she was filling out as fast as the other kids in her grade.  It didn’t sound appealing.  

“Oh these are real,” she lifted her hands to cup her breasts with no shame, looking down at them, “Well, fake real.  Worth every penny in my opinion.” 

“Breast implants?” he gaped at her, his mouth truly falling open this time. 

“Stop trying to shove me into a box, Louis!!” she playfully scolded him, “Best thing I ever did, honestly.  The doctor did an amaaazing job.  Made my nipples super sensitive too which was an unexpected but pleasant bonus.” 

“You got breast implants but you don’t want to be a woman.”  He was still having problems understanding how that made sense. 

“I love the way they look in clothes, I love the way they feel, they make me feel sexy,” she shrugged and stabbed another cherry.  

“So have you had the other surgery?” he couldn’t help his eyes from dropping briefly to the table where he would be staring at her crotch if it wasn’t blocking his view.  

“First, that’s another question that’s completely inappropriate and you should never ask, even if you’re dying to know.  That’s none of your business no matter who the person is.  You don’t walk around asking every guy whether they’re circumcised so same etiquette applies,” Louis blushed and looked down at his drink, worried he had gone too far but Harry just continues, “But because I told you to ask me anything in this specific setting, no. I haven’t.  No plans to.” 

“So  _ are _ you circumcised?” he asked with a hint of a smirk, feeling at least a little more comfortable with Harry’s personality and hoping he hadn’t ruined what had become a playful mood. 

“Ah ha!  There’s a joke!  I told you it was okay to ask things, stop beating yourself up.  You didn’t know before and now you do.  And this,” she motioned between them with a cherry at the end of her straw, “Is an open conversation. So no, I’m not.  Are you?”  She winked across the table at him as she pulls another cherry off the straw, tongue first.  She had a gorgeous tongue.  He wondered if she could tie a cherry stem in a knot with it and maybe if she could, if that talent extended to other… no, inappropriate.  

“No, I’m not,” he let himself chuckle and shake his head, it was only fair for her to ask him invasive questions as well.  There wasn’t much he was unwilling to talk about when it came to himself and this line of questioning was starting to be a bit fun now that she had opened her trust.  “Why the top surgery but not the bottom?” 

“Why?  I love my dick.  Simple as that.  Sometimes it can be a little annoying with certain outfits when I can’t get the tuck right but other times it’s my little secret and I like that.  I love wanking and blowjobs and sex and no offense to all the ladies out there but I find vaginas kind of icky.”  She made a face and Louis laughed, the last thing he expected her to say sitting in front of him with breast implants and full make up.  But he was starting to understand or at least he thought he was.  

“So you’re gay?  I mean, I guess that’s still what it would be? Since you have a penis, I mean.” 

“Again with the labels!!!” she groaned into her hands as she covered her face but laughs as she pulls them away, “I’m attracted to dicks, yes.  Hundred percent.  What about you, Louis, are you attracted to dicks?” 

He was starting to love the sound of her voice, although higher than the night on the street, it still had a pitch and tone that just settled something inside of him.  It was obvious she had been trying to sound intimidating that night, lowering her voice to possibly scare off any potential harm.  Now, she could read him the phone book and it would probably sound just as lovely as their conversation had so far..  But to hear her ask Louis about dicks in such a suggestive way made his own have an unexpected reaction and that came as a bit of a shock. 

“I’ve never really thought about it much I guess.  I had a girlfriend all through high school and we just broke up maybe 6 months ago.  Before I moved here.  I’ve never really been a free agent to explore anything like that.”

That wasn’t exactly the truth, though.  Once he had stumbled upon one of his classmates getting a blowjob at a party.  Just drunk enough to throw caution to the wind, he had spied on them from the crack in the adjoining bathroom door and it hadn’t been the mouth or the girl attached to it that made him come.  But then his first time happened to be with girl, the same girl he had been with until half a year ago and pondering the idea that he was also attracted to men didn’t seem practical to explore if he was only ever going to be with one person for the rest of his life anyway.  He had been pretty naive about that, though.  

“I’m really glad you came in tonight Louis,” her expression softened a bit as she looked across the table to meet his eyes with intensity and wow, they’re such a lovely colour of green.  He didn’t know how he missed that detail but they’re beautiful.  He could get lost in them.  

“I know we didn’t get started on the best foot and I know I just threw a lot at you when you weren’t expecting it but I’ve had a really great time with you tonight.  And I need to be upfront with you so we don’t have any blurred lines down the road.  I’m really attracted to you, Louis, and I’d really like to get to know you, if you’ll let me.  But I also know that being with me is a bit… unconventional and it’s not always easy for some to handle everything that goes along with that.  And I’m not saying we should immediately jump into a relationship or anything like that but I want you to be truthful with me and if that’s something you’re not interested in exploring, please tell me and we can just be friends.  I just need to have all the cards on the table from the beginning so we don’t have a miscommunication.” 

Louis could see the hints of past relationships pass through her eyes and it made his heart ache.  This beautiful confident person in front of him had been hurt just for being who she was and suddenly everything clicked into place for him.  His ignorant comments, and other’s comments as well, were part of the reason why she had to give a disclaimer, offer an out before she could even attempt to ask someone out.  The small speech had seemed familiar as she spoke and the fact that she had given it to others before him wasn’t hard to piece together.  It pained him to think about what she may have experienced to get to this point and he didn’t want to be just another person to hurt her.

“Unconventional doesn’t scare me,” he softly responded, “I may have more questions but I’m not going to run from something different.”

He watched the relief flood her face from across the table, a smile growing to make her dimples pinch into her cheeks again.  

“Yeah?” she asked, sliding her hand over to meet his, resting palm up to leave the final move up to him.  Her hand was soft when linked their fingers and he smiled softly as they seemed to fit together.  

“Yeah.  I mean, I probably will say the wrong thing sometimes and you’ll have to tell me off or ask you stupid questions but yeah.  I think I’d really like to get to know you and if that becomes more I’d be okay with that.”

“Harry! Harry! Harry!” the chanting of the crowd swelled around them, bursting into the little bubble they had created.  Harry looked reluctant for a second but then was grinning as she turned her head to look over at the stage.  

“Harold!  You’ve been drawn from the fishbowl!” Niall belted out into the mic.  

“But I didn’t put my name in!!” she shouted back through her laughter.  

“I don’t care! You’re up anyway!” Niall responded with his own cackle.  

“I usually end up on stage a few times during karaoke night,” she turned back to Louis and shrugged, “Will you hang around?” 

She still looked a little uncertain as she searched Louis’ face for confirmation that he wasn’t going to run away.  He nodded and her smile grew wider as her eyes lit up.  “Great, I’ll be back in a bit, then.”  

She went to stand up but Louis tightened the grip he had on her hand to pull her back.  

“Hey Harry?” he asked, looking up at her from where she now stood above him, “Can I walk you home tonight?” 

He watched as her beaming smile grew into something softer, something fond.  

“Yeah, I think I’d like that,” she squeezed his hand, lingering just a moment longer before she let her fingers slip away from his.  

He smiled to himself as he took in how loudly the crowd cheered for her when she took the mic from Niall, leaning to whisper something into his ear.  

“I’d like to dedicate this song to my stalker,” she addressed the crowd, “Who just asked me if he could walk me home tonight and I’m really hoping he meant he’d be walking with me and not behind me for once.”

Her grin began to widen in Louis’ direction just as the beginning Every Breath You Take by The Police begins to fill the room.  

Louis couldn’t help but shake his head and laugh at her song choice.  Yeah, he will definitely be walking beside her for as long as she’ll let him.  

**Author's Note:**

> [If you enjoyed, here's the tumblr post :) Come say hi!](http://jaerie.tumblr.com/post/162085279829/title-but-she-doesnt-know-who-i-am-author)


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